Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize