get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
