sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
