What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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