she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
