i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
