Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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