I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
