don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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