U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
