A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
