it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
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Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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