she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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