im drinking this country out of the recession.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
