I like to think it a success when the cops are called
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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