My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
