i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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