If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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