Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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