Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
