I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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