I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
