Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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