I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
