I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
