Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
