So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
