Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
