I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
