Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
