I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
