had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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