Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
