Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
