the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
