in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
whose ass print is on the piano?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
