Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
