i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He passed out mid-signature
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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