So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
