I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
