There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
