just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we're chasing vodka with high fives
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
