My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
