I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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