I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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