i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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