i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How does it feel to date your dad?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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