Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
