Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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