haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?