Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
