I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
