Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
