By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
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she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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