her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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