You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
