Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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