I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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