Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
