I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
