Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
